Something different happened this morning. At about 7 am, I woke up from a dream. It was a pleasant dream, but of course, I can't recall it now.
I was groaning loudly as I opened my eyes, and became aware of the pain in my chest. I tried to relax, breathe slowly, and waited for the pain to stop. It did not go away, but grew worse. So, I took a nitroglycerine pill. That fixed it
in 4 minutes.
I went back to sleep. A short time later, I woke up again. Another pleasant dream and I was groaning again. But it was strangely different this time.
I was making a groaning sound with each heartbeat! It was a sharper pain, too. That has never happened before.
My heart rate is always low - around 80, because of all the medication. But this time, my heart rate was much faster. I tapped on my chest with my fingers in time with it, hoping to remember the feeling, and the speed. My short-term memory is not good, even when I'm awake, and this was just a way to help me remember the heart rate. As soon as I did that, my heart slowed down to normal. I don't recall if I took a another pill, but I think I did. (That damned memory, again.) I know that I meant to take one.
Anyway, the pain was worse and I think I sat up to take that pill. I suppose I did. I really don't remember.
Anyway, I'm up and about now. Very, very tired, as I didn't sleep more than about three hours. I don't want to sleep at all if this is what's going to happen. Several times a year this happens, but it usually follows morbid dreams about dead people - and a "shadow person", or a ghost. Maybe it's just another round of dreams. I'm not ready to die again, so I wish this wouldn't happen. But if it must be, then I hope it I go the way I did the first time. Sudden cardiac arrest. Quiet - painless - instant. Easy come, easy go.
It's just that I'm not ready for this. I'd like to stay around a while longer.
Living with this is not easy. Does anyone understand? The doctors certainly don't.
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