A Good Day to Die.

 Today is April 6, three years after my sudden cardiac arrest. I am approaching 5:00 pm, filled with a dark silence.
  When I arrested, I was on my exercise bike, trying to reach a heart rate of
 136. The last thing I saw in that life was the monitor reading 139. Then my
 legs stopped moving, my foot fell off the pedal and hit the floor, and
 everything was suddenly silent and dark. I thought that I had fallen into deep, dark water and was weightlessly sinking. I realized, then, that I didn't have to breathe anymore, had no fear at all, and as they say, I just "went with the flow".  At least 15 minutes, plus the time it took for my wife to discover me, would then pass before the EMTs would get my heart beating again. It would be 13 more days until my eyes would open and I would breathe again, on my own.

 As this day continues (it is now 4:38am and who can sleep?), I feel like I'm
 sinking again. Feeling the feeling all over again. I'm sure it will stay with
 me all day. In fact, there has not been one day in three years that I haven't
 been aware of this feeling being somewhere inside of me.

 Today may be a weird experience, even for me, as I am attending a funeral
 service this afternoon at 5:00pm. Give or take a minute or two, 5:00pm is the
 time that I arrived at the Emergency Room by ambulance - dead. I should put it this way - I was not in my body anymore -and THAT is dead.

 Now, it happens that a few days ago, my Mother-in-Law passed away in her sleep, and I suppose the experience, for her, was the same as it was for me - except that she didn't have to wait an eternity in a coma, as I did. She has moved on.

 The "viewing", this afternoon, is for her.
 I will be the only one present who will be able to stand alongside of her and
 not have to wonder, "What is it like to die?"

 April 19 will be a better day. That is the day I opened my eyes and with a gasp began to breathe again. Something they said would not happen. It is the day I call my "New-Birth Day". Then I was crazy for the next four weeks - another thing I'll never have to wonder about.

 The neurologist said that I would probably remain "psychotic" for the rest of my life, but today we know the truth about that, too.
"Hey, Doc... nah na nah na nah nah!"

 In the words of the great Lakota man, Crazy Horse... it was a good day to die.
 
 - - - - -

Originally published by me on Wednesday, April 6, 2011


2 comments:

Marty said...

    Bob,
    You write beautifully. So powerful and so touching.
    You make me weep and you make me proud.

    My best wishes for this day. I am so glad you are here.
    Your friend,
    Marty
    April 6, 2011 9:43 AM

rturri said...

    Marty,

    Wow! Could I possibly be worthy of all that? You are a wonderful person,
    Marty. I read each of your posts and you always give me more to think about.
    Now, to uncover a little secret... your blog, HEART STOPS, is the model for
    starting my own! I got all the confidence that I needed, from you. You ARE
    my friend.

    Always,
    Bob
    April 8, 2011 4:43 AM