Sometimes, my stories don't end the way they started. This one won't.
To begin, I want to tell you what Johnny, the 'Little Big Guy', said to me today. He is my 3 1/2 year old grandson. He is deeply into making up stories about Super-Heroes and Bad Guys. I guess his old Pa helped him get started on that! (heh, heh) I named myself "Pa" because it was easy for him to pronounce. And I had always heard that great people say,"I don't care what they say about me, as long they get my name right!" Well, I wanted to be great in my grandson's eyes.
So, today he was King Johnny, the Giant King who chases away Bad Guys! He had an old straw hat for a Crown; and his mother's "Huggie"* was his robe. Leopard spotted!
*A wearable blanket for cold nights, and for watching TV.
He was off to chase Bad Guys through the house with my car keys, that doubled as some sort of evaporator gun. I, of course, was in trouble and in dire need. My barn was a wreck and all my animals were running around loose!
He asked,"Who did it, Pa?" And I told him; "It was a terrible, giant horse named "Koo-Koo Horse"! He was crazy-mad and he kicked my barn over, right on its side!" Then, King Johnny held up those super-powered car keys and said, "I'll get him for you!"
We agreed, as we usually do, that instead of hurting Koo-Koo Horse, we would win him over to our side. That way, we could add him to our army of trusted 'sidekicks', and they would help us to chase away all the Bad Guys.
OK. So much for the story. He wanted me to get up from the couch and follow him around the house at high speed. But I was very tired from not having slept the night before and worst of all, my umbilical hernia, now about the size of a golf ball, was REALLY sore. I told him I had to rest a while. He asked, "Why?" So, I told him that "Pa is getting older. When we get older, we get tired and we have to stop and rest once in a while. That's just the way it happens, Johnny."
Now, I was afraid I would lose substance in his eyes by telling him that, but
may I tell you what he then said to me? Yes... I'll tell you.
He walked slowly toward me, after pondering my comments for half a minute or so, and wrapped his little arms around my neck and hugged me. He was pouting and I thought that he might start crying. Then he said,"I don't care if you get older. I will still love you just as much Pa, even if you get older and older and older, because you will still be the same guy!"
Then he gave me a big kiss on the cheek. I returned it with my patented
Grampa-Saur Bear Hug. And for the first time in a long time, he didn't want me to let go.
He's getting to an age where affection takes on a more subtle form. Soon, we will be reduced to poking fun, little shoulder punches, hand-crushing handshakes, or maybe just a high-five. But, "I love you!" is still "I love you!" And today, for a few healing moments, it was just like "yesterday" all over again - before he got to be such a big old three year old.
Now, his own Daddy, years ago, would tell me; "I don't care what happens, Dad. We will ALWAYS be together because we're stuck like glue!"
Well, today when his Daddy got home from work, Johnny told him what he had said to me. (Yeah, I prodded him a little to do that!) For a long moment, his Daddy stood still, and silent. His face was lost in time. His eyes were turned upward and toward the right side of his brain. He seemed to be questioning himself, while half smiling. Was he remembering something in his past?
I remained silent, but my heart wanted to ask my son,"What happened to your glue? Did it get weak? Did it dry up? Or did it just grow old? Did I let you
down, somehow, three years ago when I died and left you in shock, in that silent, sterile emergency room all night long? Told that I came in dead, that I
wouldn't make it through the night? Did it change how you felt about me, seeing me turn blue-grey, seeing me covered with ice and a freezing blanket? Seeing me in a coma, in the ICU, being kept alive by a heart pump and a ventilator?
I was once YOUR Super-Hero. Did I now appear weak and fallible to you? Were you becoming ashamed of me during the next month, when I didn't know who I was, or where I was? Did I lose all my credibility in your eyes, that day when I wanted to leap off of the hospital rooftop to save a pigeon from a hawk? Imaginary as you thought it was, there was a day when you admired me for that sort of thing.
Today, it's YOUR little son running around the house in a silly costume, saving his Kingdom from "Koo-Koo Horse"! But you look so proud! And you're playing the game right along with him, and he's looking up to you - to see what he must become.
So, how is that different from my saving a pidgeon from a hawk? Imaginary or
not, my motive came from my heart. My heart that was alive - then dead - and
then alive again!
What a game that is! And talk about an adventure! Your very own Dad defeated Death! Had you become so practical, so much the engineer, so "grown-up", that you lost all respect for me?
I admit that at first, in the battle of Life vs Death, I lost! So does everyone. So will you. So will little Johnny. And his little brother, Andrew. So do we all.
But I promised you when you were just a little Billy, that if I had to, I would
come back from the dead to help you. And there you were... a new marriage; a new career; friends losing their jobs all around you; with a seven week old,
brand new baby boy in your arms; and a 57 year old babysitter, available if you needed me.
And what did I do but die on you? Just when you really needed me. (Even if you didn't think you did.)
BUT DAMN! If I DIDN'T COME BACK!
Didn't I promise you that I would?
- - - - - - - - - -
Originally published by me on Wednesday, August 10, 2011 at 10:38 am
"I will still love you just as much Pa,
even if you get older and older and older,
because you will still be the same guy!"
King Johnny
Yes, I will... and you will always be the same Johnny, to me!
If I can just live that long...
1 comments:
Tree said...
WOW! I feel as if I was right there in the room with you! Here's hoping we
can all keep, or get back, that child-like perspective and unconditional
love. Johnny is MY HERO! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment