This Job Stinks!

 What a lousy job. Spending hours in the basement with a snake.
Not the kind that crawls, but the kind that you force through a clogged drain
pipe. Mine is 25 feet long, and coiled into a red plastic case that rotates the snake and makes the end of it spin. I have to keep feeding the springy, metal "snake" further into the drain, and then spinning it by turning the handle on its red plastic case. It isn't easy. It isn't fun. And I admire any plumber who says, "I love my job!"

[Now, it's 6:13 am. I haven't slept. If you know me, you know I don't sleep well. I'm the guy who had the sudden cardiac arrest and now dreams about dead people. I sleep better in the daytime. Like a zombie, I guess. But that's another story.]

I spent several hours in the basement last evening, squatting at the drain's "cleanout plug" - in positions that would make a Yoga master whimper. Why are these plumbing things always in the most inaccessible places? Well, anyway, the cleanout is directly below the kitchen sink, and I'm sitting on a silly little stepstool, in front of the open drain. I see the standing water and it's telling me that the clog is somewhere beneath the concrete floor and the front lawn. My snake is 25 feet long and that's about the distance to the other side of the basement, so I should be able to snake out this clog.

 I have to force the wire snake into the drain opening, about 18 inches at a time, tighten a thumb screw, and then turn the handle to spin the snake inside the pipe. Loosen the thumb screw, pull out another 18 inches of springy snake, feed it in, tighten the  thumbscrew and spin it. Over and over again. Eventually, I will extend my influence through 25 feet of pipe. And that will be the neat and tidy part of this job.

  After all that work, I'll have to pull the snake back OUT of the pipe. About two feet at a time, so I can clean it with a rag, before stuffing it back into the plastic, rotatable case. The snake will be gooey - black gooey - stinky gooey.

 Well, I guess the goo is really the point of today's writing. It stains. It's stinks. It splashes on my face. It's all over my shirt. It's all over my moccasins. My yellow rubber gloves are way too tight for my ape-y hands. My hips are sore and my knees are about to disassemble themselves. I'm almost 61 years old, and I'm in no shape for this labor. But, back to the goo.

 The entire pipe is packed solid with this creepy stuff. No wonder the kitchen sink is backed up. After I've punched a hole through the pipe goo, the water should start running through the pipe. The dishes that are piled on the stove can be washed, and we can cook our own meals again. But that will not be!

 The water still won't pass through this pipe. But not to worry. My wife, who always looks ahead, will have come home with a pint-sized bottle of SULFURIC ACID that will do the job - the job that her husband will have failed to do. Man and snake... not fit for this task... but she knew it ahead of time... and she WILL remind me! God luv 'er.

 So, in goes the bottled miracle. WOW! STINKS! BUBBLES! HOT! Move back. Dangerous stuff for sure. Don't sniff that bottle or you'll be riding in an ambulance asking the medic, "Why the hell did I do that?"

 But to get to the point, it works! After waiting 15 minutes, the water runs down the drain and we test it with a garden hose that's attached to the utility sink. Yep. The water runs just fine. The acid did the trick. After writing this, I will curl up like a snail beneath the kitchen sink and re-attach the cheap "consumer" plumbing I had earlier removed. Then this job will be done.

 I will sleep. By this evening, I will really be hurting; but I'll enjoy that Neanderthal feeling of victory over my enemy. All acid aside, I planned this battle - I chose the weapons - I snaked it. I met the beast in its own field, and there I took it down. Yes. I did. Y-A-A-A-H-H-H! Tell me I didn't!

 There's just one thing, though. What in hell IS that smelly, gooey, gritty, black goop, anyway? And where does it come from? I flatly reject ALL of the stupid, evasive answers found on the internet; and in expensively useless home repair books. Just let me explain my frustration.

 A few years ago, knowing our plumbing was old and subject to frequent choking, I stopped letting ANY food, even dissolved food, go down the kitchen drain. I had discovered, for example, that once having boiled pasta, the cooking water should not go down the kitchen drain. Try this yourself. Boil that water until it evaporates away. Takes about 30 - 45 minutes. To your surprise, you will be left with a handful of dry, rubbery, amber colored "flubber"! Lift it out of the pan and you can bounce it off the floor. It's the starch and protein that was boiled out of the pasta. You'll see that enough of this "flubber" can clog up your plumbing real good. And if that doesn't surprise you, try the thick goop in which your beans are canned. Evaporate that, and you'll have a handful of rubbery starch and protein that will dry hard - hard as plaster. Enough of that down the sink and your plumbing will die.

 So, I thought that only letting water down the kitchen drain would put an end to the evil goop, but now I can't believe how wrong I was! Seriously. I'm stunned. I've tried to find out the nature of this goop and I can't do it. If you read hundreds of plumbing forum answers, as I have, you'll agree that people who don't know what they're talking about, should shut up - and people who do know, like those who claim to be plumbing experts, should STOP LYING to the rest of us. It won't hurt their business if they tell us where that sewery crap really comes from! Speaking for myself, I'll respect them for their honesty. I'll be grateful for their sharing of a dirty trade secret. I'll be able to defend my own home against the Goopy Plague, possibly regaining the respect of my wife. I won't have to get angry and write cynical articles like this one at six in the morning; after wasting a whole evening and a sleepless night fighting with a snake that isn't a snake. I won't ruin my clothes and stain my hands and aggravate my arthritis. Once again, I'll be a happy homeowner! But until then...

 STAND BACK, EVERYBODY!  I SMELL LIKE THE FEET ON A SEWER RAT!

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Last words:

It's really true about the bean goop and the pasta water.

Don't use sulfuric acid if you can avoid it. It can seriously hurt you.

If you ever find out what that black pipe-goop is, please email me.

I have never smelled the feet on a sewer rat. Don't believe everything you hear.

Thank you for reading my blog and sharing a moment of my life with me. Really.